Does It Get Easier Part II (DUI Loss Entry No. 11)

One of the blessings in the past year is that when I think of my parents, the crash does not always come to mind. For years after it happened, my first thought about my parents was to imagine how my mom died in the street after she was hit, lying in the cold and snow. I'd imagine my dad flying over the SUV that hit them, landing in the road beyond. I'd remember how much pain he suffered during the six and a half weeks he was hospitalized, how hard he tried to communicate, how hard it was to make the decision to stop treatment and to say good-bye to him. In the first year, month after month, I went to the criminal court to watch the proceedings against the man who killed my parents. He was eventually sentenced to twelve years in prison. It was his third DUI.

Now those memories are still there, but other things come to mind. Fun things we did together, advice they gave me, what I valued about having been their daughter. Annoying things, too. (After all, they were my parents. We most definitely got on one another's nerves at times.) Perhaps that is the only real healing time offers. The ability to remember what is good and happy, even though the memories are tinged with the pain.

I know if my parents could have communicated with me during the years after the crash, they both would have told me not to dwell on the pain they suffered. My mom in particular was a very practical person. She didn't believe in focusing on hard times in the past, or dwelling on things you can't change that make you unhappy. I'm not sure I could have stopped doing that any sooner than I did. Now I feel like part of why I thought so much about that last moment of my mom's life, and those last 6 or so weeks of my dad's, was that it helped me feel connected to them in some way. If I could understand what they felt, what they went through, perhaps they wouldn't seem so far away. Or perhaps I could somehow slide back in time and magically change that night. There's no logic to that, but grief is not logical.

Now nurture my connection to them in other ways. I've framed photos from different times in their lives and hung them on one wall in my condo. I spend some time every week thinking about something about them that I'm grateful for and something I learned from them that has helped me in life. It does not bring them back, but it is a way I feel they'd be pleased to be remembered.

What Good People Do When Bad Things Happen (DUI Loss Entry No. 10)

Sunday I attended the annual benefit for the Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists. Nearly everyone there had a loved one killed by an intoxicated driver, was injured by an intoxicated driver, or knows someone well who had one of those experiences. AAIM's deputy director spoke and said that we often hear the question "Why do bad things happen to good people?" She prefers, "What do good people do when bad things happen?" The people in the room included victims who speak on AAIM's victim impact panels, advocates who help families through the criminal proceedings against the intoxicated drivers, police officers and prosecutors who do their best to eradicate drunk driving. Our celebrity speaker, Gary Meier of WGN, generously donated his time for the benefit. Looking around me, I felt so moved. Everyone there took tragedy and turned it into something positive, tried to ensure that no one else would be harmed or would die due to intoxicated driving. I hope that all my life I can remember to find a away to create something good from difficult circumstances.

Coping (DUI Loss Entry 9)

I think back to the months and even the year after the crash. I wonder, if I could go back, what advice could I give myself about what might make that time less hard than it was. Maybe nothing. But I wish I had been able to let myself take a few minutes to try and rest. There was no rest in the sense of an undisturbed night’s sleep – so often I lay awake and cried, or ran through in my mind what I imagined had happened during the crash, or how my father struggled when he was in the hospital trying to recover. I don’t think I could have stopped feeling all of that, could have quieted my mind enough to really sleep. But perhaps I could have taken just five minutes an evening to have a cup of tea, or sit still and listen to music, or play my guitar. At the time, it seemed impossible. Any five minutes doing anything not absolutely necessary seemed like time I could not afford to lose from being at the hospital with my dad. And, after he died, it seemed like time I couldn’t afford away from catching up at work, and taking care of the hospital bills and my parents’ house, and getting the estate opened, all things that truly I didn’t need to do immediately, other than perhaps the work aspect. But it all felt so urgent, perhaps because I thought if I got those things done, I would finally have some peace.

It is normal, I suspect, when grieving or trying to care for a love one after a tragedy to feel that any time for yourself can -- and should -- be put off until later. But if I could tell my former self anything, it would be to at least try now and then to stop and breathe, to stop and sit. No terrible thing will happen because of those five minutes, and it might have helped me just a little.

Does It Get Easier (DUI Loss Entry No. 8)

People ask if it gets easier as time passes from when your loved one died. It's been over two years now since the crash in January, 2007. My mom died at the scene, my dad in March, 2007, just short of his 89th birthday. I feel like I miss them more as time passes, maybe because the time since I actually was with them is longer. Also, the first year there was so much going on, and it was so overwhelming, that I was more stressed and angry and depressed. Now I feel less angry, less stressed, and happier overall, but I miss them more. I feel the loss more.

So does it get easier? For me, yes and no. Day to day life has gotten easier. The criminal part of the case is over, so I no longer go to criminal court every 3-4 weeks and see the man who did this and listen to the details of the crash and my parents' deaths. The hospital bills are taken care of, the house is sold, for about a year now life has been more "normal" in the sense that most of the hours of the day are not consumed any longer with things connected to my parents' death. So, in that sense, my life is more focused on the here and now, on the good things in it, and there are many, for which I am grateful.

But no in that I don't feel I'll ever get over the loss or the way they died. I still think about the pain they must have felt, and still tear up at odd times, even at happy memories. And I still struggle with what to say to people. Sometimes people joke about drinking too much or drinking and driving, and I can't laugh at that. Sometimes people who don't know what happened talk about their parents and ask about mine. And I am stuck on how to answer. Part of me wants to tell everyone my parents died because of an intoxicated driver, because I hope that will make more and more people be more careful. Yet, it seems inappropriate at times during a casual conversation to introduce something so painful. And sometimes it is too hard for me. I don't want to talk about it at that moment.

The Holidays Part 2 (DUI Loss Entry No. 7)

I found the holidays harder this year than I thought I would. It is the second year without my parents. The first is a bit of a blur. I know it was hard and I also remember my friends all making sure I had enough to do for the holidays. So much that I felt a little exhausted and overstressed, and I feel it was better to err on that side than to not have enough to do.

This year I was busy, too, but took more time to reflect. My mom really loved Christmas. She used to make Christmas trees out of pinecones. Everyone in our family has them, sometimes more than one. She put her largest one up every year around Thanksgiving on a tray table in front of the picture window. From outside, it looked like regular tree with the lights and garland. She had other trees in almost every room of the house. A couple weeks before Christmas she and my dad put the big tree up. I loved all the ornaments. Mom liked to buy an ornament everywhere they traveled, so there were ornaments from a couple World's Fairs, from Disneyworld, from their trip to Europe. Then there were the ones the nuns made for her every year when she volunteered at the Bethlehem Infirmary. And ones we'd made over the years. I was so upset when I was little that Mom always hung my gingerbread ornament (which actually looks more like King Kong -- I was about 4 when I made it) inside the tree where it couldn't be seen very well. Mom was a little more concerned with aesthetics than sentiment when it came to the tree. It was beautiful, and was like looking at a history of our family.

We split the ornaments, so I have about a third of them. Last year it was hard to put them on my tree, but this year I really enjoyed it, despite feeling sad. King Kong is in the front -- so goofy he is cute. And there are the theater mask ornaments from New Orleans when my mom and dad went there on an Elder Hostel trip. And some Pluto ornaments and a whole lot of others I remember from when I was growing up.

This year I thought a lot, too, about Mr. Postulka, the man in prison now for killing my parents. It must be a terrible way to spend a holiday. A life. The only thing bleaker seems to me to be death. I believe there must be consequences for his actions. Yet I only feel more sad when I think of him. I am glad he is somewhere where he can't drive, but he's also somewhere where he can do nothing to even try to make up for what happened. Nothing can bring my parents back. But I wish there were some sort of release program where he could go out and work for groups either to help families who've lost loved ones or do other community service to try to make some positive change. Or even pay back the government what it contributed through Medicare to my dad's hospital bills.

The Holidays (DUI Loss Entry No. 6)

Yesterday I attended a candlelight vigil the City of Chicago hosts to remember victims of intoxicated drivers. I am glad the City does that, and having Mayor Daley, and Anita Alvarez, Jesse White and other state and city officials there helped me feel that at least my city and state take this issue seriously. But so many deaths still occur due to impaired and drunk drivers. One of the statistics read was that 60% of fatal crashes over Thanksgiving were due to intoxicated drivers. Over 30% of the fatal crashes over Christmas are expected to caused by intoxicated drivers.

I wish everyone would be careful. I wish everyone who has a drink would forego driving. I wish no one's holiday -- and no one's life -- will be ruined this Christmas due to people choosing to drink and drive.

Not Just An Accident Part 2 (DUI Loss Entry No. 5)

The other day I was out with two friends, both of whom were a tremendous help to me in the days and weeks after my mom's death, while my dad was in the hospital, and after he died. So they saw what I went through and how hard all of it was on my whole family. One of them told me about going to her nephew's wedding recently. She said she had 3 or 4 drinks over a few hours and was about to leave. Her nephew offered her another drink and she said no, she was driving. And he said she'd be fine. And she told him no, that it's really a hassle to have your license suspended.

When she told me that, I couldn't help myself, I said, "Or you could hit someone because you're impaired and kill that person." And my friend told me about a car accident where another driver merged into her car on the expressway, and neither of them was drunk, so accidents happen even when people don't drink. And I pointed out all the research that alcohol impairs people's driving ability and reaction time. And she just shrugged.

I felt such despair. If people who are otherwise caring and who have seen almost firsthand the effects of drunk driving simply refuse to believe that drinking alcohol increases the risk of a collision, how much hope is there for change?

I am convinced we need greater penalties not just for people who injure or kill others while driving drunk but for anyone who is arrested for DUI. If people knew they would lose their licenses for a year the first time they were arrested, and would lose their licenses forever the second time, that would seem more real to them than the risk of hurting or killing someone or themselves. There needs to be jail time for driving without a license after a DUI, too, otherwise people will just keep driving without licenses.