In 2007, an intoxicated driver hit my parents as they were crossing the street. The criminal court proceedings against the driver lasted a year. This post
continues my guide for victims to the court process. (1) and (2) in my July 12, 2012 entry explain why the
process takes time, and why it often appears little or nothing is
happening.
(3) The criminal court process – whether or not a
trial occurs – is emotionally painful for victims.
This seems obvious, and I certainly ought to have known it, as in my law
practice I’ve seen how upset and angry people get over business-related
disputes even though no one has been physically hurt and no one has died. Yet somehow until I went through it, I
didn’t connect that with how awful I’d feel at court. Each month, I saw the man who’d stopped for drinks after work, then got in an SUV to drive home and
hit and killed my parents. The whole
time I waited for the court clerk to call the case, which often took an hour or
more, I remembered my dad’s surgeries and how hard he struggled to recover. I imagined how alone my mom must have felt in the icy street where she died. Sitting in the hard wooden court benches,
watching lawyers go in and out, seeing the driver in his prison jumpsuit, I
couldn’t seem to think about anything else.
A couple months after the man was sentenced, I finally was
able to let go just a little and focus on the wonderful things I remembered
about my mom and dad, as well as on my own life and future. The best advice I can offer if you are
attending court proceedings is to try to plan before court what you might do or think
about if you are stuck waiting. You can't read or use cell phones when court is in session, but you may be able to during breaks. As for your thoughts, focusing on something pleasant or even something that just occupies your mind -- remembering a weekend away, planning your week’s
work, redecorating your living room in your head -- can help. Anything that draws your mind away from thoughts that make you feel even worse than you already do. It also helps, if you can, to bring a friend
with you, someone who can distract you or just hold your hand. Also, try to be especially kind to yourself on
a court day. Plan some activity you like, or at least used to like before this happened, as
a reward for getting through the hearing. It might be getting a fancy cup of coffee
on your way back to work, taking a walk on a particularly pretty block, calling
someone you’ve been meaning to talk to, or taking extra time to play with your
pet.
(4) The defendant doesn’t say he or she is sorry. Week after week, month after month, the
person responsible for your loved ones’ deaths or injuries – or your own
injuries – stands there and never apologizes.
Until the sentencing hearing, if one happens. And then you wonder how sincere the apology
is, because it could be the defendant is just trying to impress the judge. Or the defendant may seem truly sorry – but only
for himself or herself now that the prospect of prison seems real. Some defendants apologize for “what happened”
or “for the loss” without truly accepting fault. While someone apologizing couldn’t bring back
your loved one or erase the pain, most of us feel a sincere apology would help
us a little, but we rarely hear anything that sounds like real regret or
acceptance of responsibility.
In the course of speaking for and working with the Alliance
Against Intoxicated Motorists (AAIM), I’ve met and talked with many people who
killed someone while driving drunk. Many
are remorseful and express genuine sorrow, but none I’ve spoken to apologized
until after they pled guilty. That’s
because their lawyers told them not to.
It’s part of our judicial system – perhaps an unfortunate part – that if
someone apologizes for a crime, that statement can be used against him or her
in a trial. Because of that, lawyers
advise their clients that they absolutely cannot apologize unless/until they
plead guilty. At that point, they’ve
admitted the crime, so they can apologize.
Some defendants don’t apologize anyway, as they don’t feel remorseful and
they think that driving drunk and killing someone is “just an accident.” This attitude infuriates me, but it unfortunately
is not an uncommon view in our culture, which is why AAIM works so hard to try
to change public opinion. An
acquaintance, despite knowing how my parents died, once commented resentfully
to me that she had to stop after 3 drinks at a wedding because otherwise she
might get a DUI ticket and lose her license.
When I said, “Or you might kill someone because you were drinking,” she
said something along the lines of that accidents happen all the time, even when
people aren’t intoxicated. A friend’s
husband (who also knew about my parents’ deaths) once asked me if I was
involved in one of those organizations of “ladies with pitchforks who say ‘don’t
drink and drive.’”
Even those who feel real regret about their actions often find
it hard to truly accept responsibility. I’ve met genuinely caring people who
are appalled at what they did and who have done everything possible – serving their
prison sentences, engaging in community service, speaking publicly about their
crimes in the hope that others will change their behavior– who still emphasize “I
never meant it to happen” over “I chose to drink and drive, and I killed
someone.” It’s hard for caring people to
admit to themselves that their deliberate choice to drink and drive caused
someone else’s death or serious injuries.
These reasons do not make it all right that the
DUI driver doesn’t apologize or may do so only in a way that leaves the victim
feeling even worse. At the same time,
understanding that the defendant may have real remorse but be unable to
communicate it for different reasons can help a little as you sit through
hearing after hearing. I always tried to
remember that I could not know what was in the defendant’s heart, and so I might
as well assume he had some real regret.
(5) There are people
to help you. The prosecutor should
explain to you what’s happening with the case, including what charges she or he
is bringing, what you can do to help, when the next court date is, and what
will likely happen. Many courtrooms also
have a victim witness advocate, who is there to help victims through the
process. If that person has not found
you, ask the prosecutor or call the prosecutor’s office. You can also explore the prosecutor’s website
to see what resources are available.
Finally, in Northern Illinois, AAIM, an Illinois non-profit, provides
advocates to help victims of DUI drivers through the court process. Twyla, who was the court advocate for my
parents’ case, attended every court hearing.
If I was there, she sat with me, answered questions, and offered
emotional support. She also explained
exactly what was going on and when the next court date would be. Afterwards, she took me to a local coffee
shop overlooking a river, and we talked and unwound before I went back to work. If I couldn’t be at court, she called me
afterwards and told me exactly what happened.
There's a link to AAIM on the top left corner of this page
that you can click for more information.
In addition, AAIM runs a grief group, as do many hospitals, churches and
communities. Talking with others who’ve
been through the same experience can be extremely helpful. If one group doesn’t work for you, try
another.
In future posts, I’ll talk a little about why it is that
sometimes a defendant is not convicted, or the person accused of DUI is not
prosecuted at all. In the meantime,
please feel free to post questions or comments below.
Lisa M. Lilly is an attorney and
author of Amazon occult bestseller THE AWAKENING, short story collection THE
TOWER FORMERLY SEARS AND TWO OTHER TALES OF URBAN HORROR, and numerous poems,
short stories, and articles. She is
currently working on the sequel to THE AWAKENING.
Follow her on
Twitter: @lisamlilly
